nice

thank you

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Black dark mud...Hardening around my eyes...cold winert night...lost fearfull dragon fly...the things we see in the dark...Red eyed demons in the sky...Feel the pain seep inside...

yw

rhyme
rhyme does not instantly make what you write a poem. a poem doensnt have to rhyme for it to be well written. with that in mind, you have chosen to rhyme and it has really affected your poem, and not in a good way. because you used rhyme, a lot of the lines feel forced and does not read well. also your rhyme has made you write sentences backwards. this is called reverse syntax. reverse syntax is when you write like yoda would speak. it is not good to write like this because it is harder for the reader to understand what you mean. also, the best rhyme are rhymes which you do not notice when you read through it. ie "craft" "draught"

punctuation
the way a poem is meant to be read is based on where the punctuation is. basically, you keep reading until you find a comma or a full stop. the end of a line does not mean you stop for breath, the end of the line in a poem is like the end of a line in a book. you just keep reading. this is just convention, and most people read like this so writing it your way would just further confuse the reader. you have done exactly the opposite when you are writing this poem. you need to include commas where the reader would stop and pause, and full stops to end a sentence. with these additions, everything will read a lot smoother and clearer

enjambement
enjambement is a method of writing where one sentence is written over two or more lines without a pause in breath between the two lines. so a sentence like "the quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog" can be enjambed to become
"the quick brown fox jumped
over the lazy dog"
this technique is VERY useful and can be used to avoid stopping at the end of every line. by doing so you can write much longer sentences than you usually can in one line. it can also be used to contrast long and short sentences to build up the rhythm when you are writing.

hey thank you for your thoughts if you have any others plz tell me you have helped me become a better wrighter (i think)

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Black dark mud...Hardening around my eyes...cold winert night...lost fearfull dragon fly...the things we see in the dark...Red eyed demons in the sky...Feel the pain seep inside...

In this art, though, the writing style is as much a factor as choice of shot for a photographer. Although the rhyme scheme may stifle the poem a bit and bind into a somewhat rigid format, I think your syntax was very clear, and just quirky enough to get the attention of your reader. If you had to stop and think, you're affected, and that's what art should do. No matter what the writing "experts" think.

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john w. elliott
skwyrm_zen
"Dance, Puppets! Dance!"

thank youvery much

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Black dark mud...Hardening around my eyes...cold winert night...lost fearfull dragon fly...the things we see in the dark...Red eyed demons in the sky...Feel the pain seep inside...

you're welcome....

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john w. elliott
skwyrm_zen
"Dance, Puppets! Dance!"

That was a beautiful poem, and even though sto67 says reverse syntax is not a good method to write in, i believe that it is good for some poems as long as it is not over used. i believe that this poem is well written, and that the love demonstraited in this poem is very strong and beautiful.

The punctuaion was fine, but sto is right about not just making it end at every line, it is very good to try to write in different styles or forms and it helps to develop your own form in the end. I believe that the form you used was good enough for this poem and that anyother form may have not made the same impact.

I am sorry sto67 for contradicting on what you said, but that is my opinion.

I believe that the poem was written well for the way you wrote it, im sorry if my critique annoyed you, but as long as others were making in-depth critiques i might as well do one of my own.

oh yeah, this is definitly a fave.

good job, keep it up.

--
help DA look at this
[link]
do it,
if you arn't solving the problem, you are the problem.

i hide all the pain,
that i've gained from my wisdom,
from you...
im left here with nothing,
with nothing to live for,
but you...